just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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