My friends, they love my intelligence
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
