I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You ruined the universe
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