This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
