Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
