What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
