I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Did I show you my penis last night?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This is my gift to your gina
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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