My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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