So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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