why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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