Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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