you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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