Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
