Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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