Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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