Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
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He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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