A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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