doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
