If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
