It's just like the Real World with babies
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
