Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
