How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
