I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
