my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
