just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i've created a new STD.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
