i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
