No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well you can't waste a boner
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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