I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
