On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
So squirting runs in the family.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
