We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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