i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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