Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
