He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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