i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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