Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
