When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
