I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
