She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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