I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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