Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He has the fingertips of a God
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
