it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
