roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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