got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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