there's paper in my vomit.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Randomize
