if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
