it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
