They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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