Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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