The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
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I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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