Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
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if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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