you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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