I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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