I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
