I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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