party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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