They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
