I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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