when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
