She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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