Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
