I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
