Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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