bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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